How to Heal from Hurts That Will Never Heal?
By Isti Toq'ah ~ Founder of 10-Minute Pause Initiative "Humane Human"
"Ah, your pain is nothing compared to mine. So, you'll be okay…"
"Look! Everything has a bright side. You'll be fine."
"Remember! Everything happened for a reason."
"Don't be so gloomy! There are more unlucky people outside there. You must be grateful!"
Distance yourself from toxicity: both idea(s) and person(s).
Those kind of statements are toxic positivity. Focus on the word "toxic" instead of "positivity." Then, distance yourself from that kind of statement. If you can't, just step away from the person/people who say it/them.
Then, those kinds of statements also known as empty promise. Who can assure that everybody has tomorrow? Laura Sobiech — Zach's mother — in the "Clouds" movie that was adapted from true story said, "We just assume that we always have tomorrow. That's why we always promise ourselves to do better tomorrow. It's actually untrue. We only and always have now. So, don't wait. Just do our best now. Think one thing that we want to do in our once life even if we only have limited time."
This kind of friendly and empathic words that fully and totally moved Zach. In his limited time and short life, he knew that he still got chance to do small thing that can be useful for others. He wanted to be remembered as a person who fought, who didn't give up.
Suicide is one of the worst killers of young men under 45 years old. Approximately 6 out of 10 men experience trauma at least once in their lives. Unfortunately, they are less possibly to share or report their illnesses both physically and mentally which widely known as toxic masculinity.
Not all hurts will get cured. Somehow they will always be some parts of you.
According to Sean Grover, a psychotherapist who wrote an article in Psychology Today (16 October, 2020), there are seven common hurts that cannot be cured:
- Death of the loved one(s),
- Permanent injury
- Chronic illness
- Mental illness
- Betrayal
- Trauma
- Addiction
Later on, he recommended three ways that are worthy to be tried to cope at least instead of forcing yourself to heal. Healing is a long-life process and it happens naturally. When it's forced, it won't work. Just like a seed, it cannot be dictated to grow. It will happen by its own will with the help of the earth. That's why some of us do "grounding" or "rooting" to learn from the seed that slowly grows root to be a stronger plant, a strong living creature that lives its life.
Those three tips that are worth of try are:
- Share your pain
Not everyone can be open towards her/his feeling and thought for sure. Even to somebody trusted like closed friend(s) or supportive family members, it's often too hard to share especially if it involves trauma that can be triggered anxiety and further pain. Trying to give a try to meet the professional and/or support group; and talk heart-to-heart to someone trusted that won't judge is priceless. Often someone who wants to share her/his pain solely needs a couple of ears to listen instead of getting a long list of advice. Next, considering doing something to comfort self is worthy to be tried. New hobby? New habit? Meditation? Exercise? Or even take a pause/break in the middle of exhausting day/night? You got this… We got this…
2. Turn your hurt into a mission
Different people have different life call and mission. Nobody needs to be the same as others. And everyone discovers her/his goal in different way, different time, different place. I — myself — choose to do volunteer work and get involved more in peace education which give me sense of peace. I also used to desire exercising yoga, but then I realized it's not for me though I watched many TED Talks persuaded and marketed me that it's good one for mental health. There's nothing one fits all treatment for someone's hurt though it sounds same. No twins on earth are totally identical. Perhaps physically yes they are identical; but not their characters, preferences, ways of thinking, and other intrinsic aspects of each of them. So, when A shared her car accident that took away her leg to B who also lost leg in car accident; B couldn't enforce her experience and way to cope her trauma and hurt to A. Labeling the hurt simply as "losing leg" because of "car accident" cannot help because A and B have different intrinsic independent feeling and thought.
3. Keep growing
Like the seed aforementioned, human is for sure a living creature too that always keeps growing if s/he wants and does let her/himself continue the growth. It's true that saying "keep growing" is easy to be said on the tip of tongue, but hard to be practiced. In time of body scanning and grounding, I love to say "thank you," "sorry," and "I love you" to myself — borrowing this idea from Ho'oponopono — and to my hurt(s). Slowly but surely it does help. Instead of confronting with hurt, slowly but friendly letting it go will make it leave naturally. If not, it will be controllable — at least — before it controls self or continues controlling self.
Further reading:
